Like the rest of the world, I was shocked and saddened by what happened to our beloved Robin Williams. A lot of my childhood laughs originated from one of his characters. My first memories of him was as Mork the quirky alien. Genie, Peter Pan, Mrs. Doubtfire, I could go on and on. As an adult The Birdcage is still one of my favorite comedies. Even though I never had the honor to meet him in person, I still feel the loss. I can't even believe it when I really sit down to think about it…
photo credit: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/118712140148222883/
“I feel like I'm riding a psychotic horse towards a burning stable”
Robin's death has sparked an awareness for depression and those who are afflicted with mental illness. Depression is not just feeling sad sometimes, it's an unexplainable darkness, a void in your life that you can't just shake out of. I know, I suffered from severe depression when I was younger. Like others, I put on a happy face, a clown face the painted on illusion of happiness that hid the true demons underneath.
On the surface, no one would have guessed. Ashley is confident, out going, and full of life. That was what they all saw. Actually, I felt like I was in a soundproof box, screaming for someone to notice, someone to care, someone to help, but they kept walking by.
photo credit: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/303922674826335280/
Some days I was angry at myself for not being normal, at the world for not caring, or people for ignoring what I thought was so obvious. Other days I was just sad, devastated, and begging for the pain to go away. I remember wishing it was a physical pain those are easier to treat after all- stick a bandage on it, take an advil, or do something else to take your mind off it. When the pain is in your mind, there is nothing you can take or wrap around it to make it better. I found medication to be useless, it only provided a means for sleep where I was haunted in my nightmares.
In the end, when I was at my lowest and felt the only choice left for me was to die I made once last call for help already deciding it wasn't going to work. That day I felt a love and an understanding that was foreign to me. I realized that I wasn't alone and someone was listening to me inside that box. Never, in my life will I forget that day. From that point on I began to get better, it was a slow process to heal but it happened.
That was a dark a period in my life, but I learned some things too- about compassion for others, love for myself, and the importance of a good support system.
Finally to the jerks who say it was his choice, let me stop you right there. Mental illness is just that- an illness, a disease. People like you are the ones who continue the stigma which forces sufferers to hide what is wrong with them and continue the lack of healthcare covered treatments. Unless you have been there or had a loved one who has, you have no ground to speak on this subject. So shut up. Thanks.
Rest in Peace Robin. You will always be counted among the greatest, brightest, and most loving star.
Genie, You're Free.
Photo credit: Disney Movie Rewards
Note: I actually argued with myself about sharing this, I didn't want it to seem like I was capitalizing on his death and trolling for visitors. Honestly if only a few people read this I'm fine with that. In fact my hope is whoever stumbles upon this post, gains some comfort or understanding about just what it feels like to be a sufferer.
If you or someone you know needs help, please reach out to the
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Ashley, thank you for being so brave to share this. I’ve never truly had this kind of depression. I had PPD for a little while after Amelia was born and, to be honest, I completely understand that “void” or unexplainable darkness, it’s not the same as what friends I’ve heard share about depression. I truly hope and pray that you conquer this, and that you find the love and support you need to keep going. Peace to you.
Thank you for sharing your story – I too suffered from depression and I know the pain and hurt inside and the feelings of just wanting to disappear. I do however believe suicide IS a choice. The mental illness causes you to feel that way, but it doesn’t MAKE you do the deed.
Either way – no matter how we believe – it’s tragic. I hope that anyone feeling the need to take their own life WILL reach out for help and not expect ‘freedom’ from the torture of depression by taking their own life.
He was a great actor, comedian and he definitely will be missed!
What a big step to admit your darkest days. I hope you continue to heal and stay healthy. Depression affects so many, runs in families as well. Keep the awareness out and available. Thank you.
Too many people are suffering these struggles, unbenonced to everyone around them. It’s heart breaking. And totally hits home for me in my own struggles with depression. Thanks for sharing your story, Ash. It could really give someone who needed the push to seek help, courage to fight for their own life and happiness! YOU Is kind, you is smart, you is important!
I love this, not that you had to go through to this, but your description. I know so many people think that it is something that should just pass over or that it’s a choice to put on these feelings, like putting on a pair of socks… I’ve never gotten to the depths that Williams reached, but I did go through post-partum for 6 months after baby 1, until an aunt forced me to call my doctor. I think it’s unfortunate that the medical field has not yet figured out a way in which to express to in laymen terms how people arrive at this conclusion, that death is the only escape. It leaves us with people who DON’T understand commenting on something they have no perspective on. I think to say that it’s a choice is like saying: the heart was shot with a bullet, but it chose to stop beating…
Picture a big hedge maze, you’re dropped in the middle of it. Someone tells you, “You’re only lost because you choose to be lost.” That’s quite a light hearted analogy, I know, but you can’t just flat out say that things are a choice. I’ve seen too much House and Doc Martin and Criminal Minds to know that sometimes people truly aren’t in control of their thoughts which in turn are in control of their actions. Is this where Williams was in his struggle? Well we don’t know that because we aren’t in his inner circle. But to just flat out say that everything is a choice is ignorant. There isn’t always an A and B to choose from.
I’m glad you found your way out of the maze and I hope others start their journey after reading this.
Thanks for sharing your story, Ashley. I agree that it’s time to get rid of the stigma. It’s so refreshing to see people talking about mental illness right now in a way I’ve never seen before. It’s healthy and has to happen. Thanks for spreading hope.
I never understood depression before I had my third baby. I knew about depression. I’d learned the signs and knew the descriptions. After my third baby, I couldn’t figure out why I was crying so much or just wanted to get in the van and drive away. It was PPD, but that’s still depression. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. And yes, Robin Williams will be missed.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You have a wonderful way of writing, and it helps me to understand depression more.